Fear and illogical paranoia drain my energy. Fear I'd be missing the noise and fast-track lifestyle in Manila. People who may not really care, might see me as a failure- this led to my paranoia a few days ago. From the moment my nephew jumped into my arms. His arms wrapped around my neck, my eyes gazing towards the blue car, I saw my mother's face as she sashayed from the rear door. That face, that migraine-causing facial expression. She seemed happy to see me, validated when I saw her smile. But she is calm. As calm as the ocean. You don't really know what's beneath the silent water.
It startles me-because I am like her, sometimes. Or maybe it's a merely poor assumption one makes when you know the real score of your failures.We smile. We laugh. We struggle to maintain harmony. We hide our disappointments or qualms. As much as I don't want to hear it, I so longed to hear her say I'm indeed back, another episode of endless failures.
BUT, how does one know what has just happened is a failure. You try to grow a seed. Bury it in a box of soil. Water it. Days later, you check the box, with hopes like a child's, yearning to see a young plant. You dig and look for the seed with your index finger. Hold the seed between between your thumb and pointing fingers. At eye level, you see holes in it. The seed is dead. 'tis a failure.
You grow old from your safe existence dictated by the norms or what the society finds normal-you avoid trying things that you'd really want to try for fear of appearing crazy by your peers-that is failure.
Yet I so love my mother, She's the most patient, loyal mother, ever. Nothing compares though, to the comfort I feel when I'm home, with my mother, my family. My sister who has not ceased supporting me, which is a miracle I will forever be grateful for.
Privacy means I won't be writing and not improve my writing skill. Online journal through blogging has been extremely rampant lately. People tell stories of qualms at work, euphoria at a party, and some even turn themselves into nomads after they become more visible nowadays. I almost gave up working and be a nomad. Thanks to little sanity, I'm kind of realistic so far. Realistic according to my own definition.
I have been dormant for months, as far as writing (or blogging) is concerned. The HP laptop crashed down, again. Yearning to buy a Dell notebook. Tech-savvy guys recommend the brand. Oh MAC laptop, you're too expensive. Too much for a Manila call center agent.
Now I'm publicly telling that I can not afford a Mac. Hence, this public journal goes on.
Above is a photograph taken in Nueva Ecija. Went joyriding with my friend. From Talavera, Nueva Ecija to Santa Fe, Nueva Vizcaya. Onion farms spread along slimming rivers and hills with dancing, pale green grasses.