Friday, December 19, 2008

Now I Let It Go

Google's video might be too small for you, you can view the video here(click watch in high quality below the video in youtube).

The music is more enticing when heard in loud volume.

The first video I made through Windows Movie Maker. Took these clips around the house using a digicam. Yes, it's about my self-esteem, identity and ego. They're altered now. The happy kid who used to swim along my veins, lets loose from me, I let it go because I got confused and convinced that the kid does not really belong to me.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Grandmother's cat wants to die

While smoking in the backyard, Grandma's cat, Miming, leapt onto the pile of blocks with steel rods on top. It didn't surprise me, she's not into rubbing her face around my legs. She's now at my eye level, stared at me and leaned her neck on a rod. I pressumed she's tired of her 7th life. Grandma insisted Miming's on her 7th life. It was really weird. A gloomy day it had been, dark clouds concealed the blue sky.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's a miracle!

I'm not really a believer of miracles. But I believe what happened a couple of minutes ago was a miracle.

I have had extremely depressing days. I appeared happy to everybody, stretched my smile from ear to ear and I could see them infected with the fake positive energies from me. Today's extremely hot. I ran out of Marlboro, walked shirtless to the store and hoping a cold breeze would chill my skin. Street lights were broken, everything looked gloomy. I looked for the moon but could not find it. Bought a menthol cigarette, lit it with a match. Didn't use the Zippo lighter, I love the smell of a burning matchstick. Back at home, sat in the granite veranda and inhaled a huge volume of smoke. My lungs did not choke. They never respond, thus they're not functional anymore. Asked God for a rain. I needed a cold breeze so badly. Told Zahir through sms hope it rains. Right after seeing that sms is sent in the phone's monitor , it rained heavily. The spattering of the rain hit the earth like they're huge raindrops. A subtle chill began to caress my body. Blew a huge circle of smoke in the rain, dissected into little souls. Miracle happens in small things. And I believe it. God is good. And I love Him.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I'm back and I'm alive

Failed to choke my lungs from hardcore smoking.
Been swimming in a vodka-filled, trapezoid-shaped pool.
My gastric linings are thinning,
Seemed ulcerated,
I can smell ammonia when I burp.
I burp a lot lately.
Gall bladder ducts must have been blocked,
But I'm still alive, they're just narrowed perhaps.
CSF drained through my huge nostrils.
Whiskey is cushioning my brain.
This is why I'm still alive.

Alice is no longer in Wonderland.
Alice shall be in chains very soon.
Tinman wouldn't be so happy.
Keep breathing Alice.

What is happening to me? I don't know what I'm writing. Who's Alice? One in the tale or the artist-rock star? Just like when I paint, I pull a trigger inside me and my hands do the talking, painting and writing.

I am back and I am alive. Too much have happened lately. I hurt the Juror with my blog. It was a rundown of the event, and it described my feelings during my clash with the Juror. There's no trace of me being ungrateful in that blog or post. Just like Ally McBeal, visualizing she's kicking her client's ass when she's furious. It's normal, it's a coping mechanism one has to do to soothe oneself. It took me two months before I speak again my mind. I won't die a poor weeping soul without anybody knowing what's in my hypothalamus. But I love you my Juror. And I am very sorry. I wouldn't be who I am now. You were my mentor and greatest supporter.