Friday, September 26, 2008
I was having coffee and smoking with my Zahir this morning. Zahir told me some passage about the book Brida by Paulo Coelho.
When Brida was a kid, she was once with her father in the beach. Her father asked if the water's cold. Brida dipped her foot on the water and exclaimed it's cold. Her father carried her, dropped her into the water and asked how's the water. Brida said it's lovely. Brida's father told her don't just dip into something you want to try, you plunge in it.
Zahir said one has to abandon the thing he had have, as one tries new thing.
Learning this while sipping the stale coffee and inhaling the mint of smoke in my lungs, it felt like my heart began to stop beating that sunny morning. That's what I usually do, suppress undesirable feelings, make myself numb and escape reality. I must have been overusing this defense mechanism. I've read from Saunder's book that too much exhibition of defense mechanism is harmful. I can't stop my Zahir from coming abroad. Zahir once said to me- I'm not gonna stop you from going where you want, you might not know what you might become when you don't get there. I feel the same towards my Zahir. That's why I did not stop my Zahir a few months ago when Zahir went to Tokyo. And now Zahir wanted Zurich, or back to Tokyo. I just can't let Zahir live more in this small city, where Zahir has to teach, educate and amaze people with Zahir's principles, brilliant ideas and beautiful outlooks about life. I want Zahir to grow more, learn more, work with minds like his, or more than his. I love you my Zahir, I'd be guilty as hell if I don't see how great you might be if I stop you.
I will be leaving this place also. I've always wanted more. But what about the ties that bind Zahir and I? What about the carabao horn accessory we talked about with giggles? The chair you wish to build, the dress you want to make? How will these happen when ocean's between us one day?